1/11/11

So, here we are, already the 11th day of the 11th year.  Auburn just barely beat Oregon... and the focus is on the Superbowl, followed by March Madness, then the Masters in April, May has the Kentucky Derby and the Indy 500, June is the U.S.Open, Wimbledon and NBA finals (finally), July is the British Open, August is the PGA, also the U.S.Open in tennis, September - well the NFL season is underway (if there isn't a lock out/strike in the NFL this year), Oct is Fall and the World Series, November is winter watching, and then December's harried season... the seasons come, the events roll one over the other... life moves in its cyclic and repeating pattern with slow changes over time...
I am 60 officially this year, realistically 63 since they took three years from me at Holt's orphanage to make me more adoptable...
I am still in transition... going from anger to forgiveness, growing wiser ever slowly, trying to suppress all the regrets and anger and frustrations, oh damn, my life is a mess.  How did it come to this?  Wasn't I supposed to have reached and gotten the American Dream?  Whatever that is... home, cars, money, friends, happy and successful children on their own, achievement and accolades... what happened?


Except for the very brief period that I had Appa all to myself, when I felt loved and nurtured and wanted... so long ago... but after that fateful day when we were separated... now everyday has been a challenge, a chore, an uncontrollable choking on the demands of life.  Unseen obstacles, obvious hate and discrimination but more often hidden and insidious evil intents and plans that took me out of my comfort zones, displaced my plans and hopes...
if indeed "man makes his plans but God directs his paths", then where o where am I headed?  Where, my God?


I follow God's leading as well as I can, going where the openings happen and the seas are parted (like USNA, Korea, L'il Bit, Guam, Ona, Kimberly, Hoya, Yoona, Virginia Beach, teaching, then assistant principalships, now teaching again, nearly broke and in great debt... where does this all lead?


I am so dang tired of fighting, of butting my head against invisible ceilings and barriers... what am I supposed to do, what am I supposed to be?   


Still, in all this I try to keep a positive outlook and point of view, to believe, have faith and hope, to trust in God's Grace and His Salvation in Jesus Christ....   


So, I try to meet each day with Hope.  I dream of the day when life will be like being in Appa's arms again... safe, secured, loved, wanted and fulfilled.


Someday.