February 15th!

Hey, Happy day after Valentine's Day!
The day after... always has an hollow feeling... the day after Christmas, New Years, your Birthday, Anniversary...shouldn't there be some good kharma left over?  Why the let down?  Were the expectations too much?

Happy Whatever!  Do people really mean it when they say it?  I think it's just hollow, fake conversation.  Why should only certain days be Happy?  What about the other 360?  So we're supposed to be Happy for what.... our birthday, new years, christmas, thanksgiving, what else?  Really, what about the other 360?

I really feel like shit today.  Down on hope, down on faith, down on so much... what else can go wrong?  Is it time to finally check out for the final finally?  why go on? what do we live for?  what is there to work toward?  And, wouldn't it really be better to be in the after life after all since all this is training for that?  I've had enough of the lessons, the disappointments, the heartaches, the unforgiveables, the unforgetables, the unthinkables.  My life has been so shitty... just a tease of possiblities...yes you can be happy IF.... what the fuck, why does there have to be an IF?  I know i've had it really good considering the other options, but if you're going to give me a promise of happiness and a promise of hopes and dreams being achievable, then shouldn't they be?  failed at so much despite "achieving" so much... yeah, i did become a navy officer, a navy pilot, a teacher, assistant principal, a husband, a dad... all falling way short of true success or even coming close to the top.

I fucking hate this struggling... it would have been truly better to NOT have known the so called opportunities and possibilities rather to have the hopes and dreams slammed dunked shattered so late.  now i'm faced with mountains of debt, incredible shortcomings, age is rushing up and breathing its cold dark breath all over me, body is failing and falling apart, marriage is shot, kids are still struggling, i've made no difference, and now i have what to look forward to from here?  what... more age, more debt, more disappointments, more heartaches, more frustrations, more anger and rage over the many and unending discrimination and prejudices that fill this world, especially towards the ones i love... what do i do, what can i do?

hopelessness is so devastating, so eviscerating... rips you apart and then hangs you out in the darkness of despair and depression.... ah shit, so much wrong, so much lost.

i will hold on for a little bit longer, for just a bit more with this tiny glimmer of hope and a smattering of faith...
Please God, Please heed my cry for help, for your surcease, for your grace and love.  if not soon, then when?

and in the end, the love you have is the love you give.
i love you my wonderful, beautiful children.  i wish so much i could give you it all... i regret that i can not make your lives more satisfying and fruitful... all i have is love for you.

please forgive me of my wrongs and errors... i made too many but at no time were there any malicious or destructiveness in my love and acts to you.

i love you so.