Gessssh

What a wacky Wednesday and weird world we wander through way laid by weights and wishes that never seem to be wealized.

Sorry, just had to get this started somehow.
So full of angst, anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, bumping my head so many times on that damn yellow ceiling...

When does the pain end?

1/11/11

So, here we are, already the 11th day of the 11th year.  Auburn just barely beat Oregon... and the focus is on the Superbowl, followed by March Madness, then the Masters in April, May has the Kentucky Derby and the Indy 500, June is the U.S.Open, Wimbledon and NBA finals (finally), July is the British Open, August is the PGA, also the U.S.Open in tennis, September - well the NFL season is underway (if there isn't a lock out/strike in the NFL this year), Oct is Fall and the World Series, November is winter watching, and then December's harried season... the seasons come, the events roll one over the other... life moves in its cyclic and repeating pattern with slow changes over time...
I am 60 officially this year, realistically 63 since they took three years from me at Holt's orphanage to make me more adoptable...
I am still in transition... going from anger to forgiveness, growing wiser ever slowly, trying to suppress all the regrets and anger and frustrations, oh damn, my life is a mess.  How did it come to this?  Wasn't I supposed to have reached and gotten the American Dream?  Whatever that is... home, cars, money, friends, happy and successful children on their own, achievement and accolades... what happened?


Except for the very brief period that I had Appa all to myself, when I felt loved and nurtured and wanted... so long ago... but after that fateful day when we were separated... now everyday has been a challenge, a chore, an uncontrollable choking on the demands of life.  Unseen obstacles, obvious hate and discrimination but more often hidden and insidious evil intents and plans that took me out of my comfort zones, displaced my plans and hopes...
if indeed "man makes his plans but God directs his paths", then where o where am I headed?  Where, my God?


I follow God's leading as well as I can, going where the openings happen and the seas are parted (like USNA, Korea, L'il Bit, Guam, Ona, Kimberly, Hoya, Yoona, Virginia Beach, teaching, then assistant principalships, now teaching again, nearly broke and in great debt... where does this all lead?


I am so dang tired of fighting, of butting my head against invisible ceilings and barriers... what am I supposed to do, what am I supposed to be?   


Still, in all this I try to keep a positive outlook and point of view, to believe, have faith and hope, to trust in God's Grace and His Salvation in Jesus Christ....   


So, I try to meet each day with Hope.  I dream of the day when life will be like being in Appa's arms again... safe, secured, loved, wanted and fulfilled.


Someday.

December 26, 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
I hope your Christmas was good for you and your loved ones.  Christmas is the single most important holiday for me.  It celebrates God giving us His Son.


May all your dreams and wishes come true in 2011.


God bless you and yours.

Tuesday, December 21

How are you?
Really a rhetorical question right now since this is basically a very public personal journal.
Merry Christmas, in the truest sense as a celebration of the birth of the true King of Kings, Lord of Lords - Jesus Christ, the Son of God.
Happy New Year... but that was said last year and every year before.
So, really, how are you?

Well, life is sucking pretty badly these days in so many ways.  The balance sheet leans heavily towards sadness and despair rather than towards happiness and peace.  Belief, Faith, Hope... my three true friends.  They are the only reasons I can still go on.
It seems that for every step forward, I am pushed back three... how about you?
Are your dreams still strong, are your goals within reach?

Bankrupt, broke, but not beaten.  Still holding on to the shreds and shards of hope.

God I really need a miracle, again.  You have been there for me at the most desperate and crucial times. God, my heavenly Father, you know my needs, my situation, my trials.... please God, HELP ME, carry me through these times, these challenging circumstances...

Only God knows the future, only God can bring the miracles.

I wait in hopeful prayers.

To be or not to be

Is it better to have been adopted, given some opportunities with the trade off being physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse... then not to be adopted at all?


Is it worth it?

So, what

So what?
Great question.
So what if my life sucks so bad?
So what if your life is better/worse?
So what is this all for, what are we living for, what does it mean? Does it have to mean anything or are we just a transitory visitor for a brief time?
So what is the meaning, the purpose, the reason, the goal, the beginning, the raison d'etre for all this?

Not to be a downer, cuz this has been one hell of a ride, but, man, is this all there is?

Wacky Wednesday Dec 8

A short note.
I am beginning to not like this Christmas season very much.  So much pain in so many places and all this surreal consumerism and capitalism to buy, buy, buy.... for what?
Most people aren't any happier on Dec 26th.  So what's all this fuss?

The small kernel of hope and reason seems to be to remind us that Christ is the reason for the season.

Happy Holidays everybody, and Merry Christmas.