Asian and American

Asian and American
Japanese Stella near Jefferson and FDR Memorials

Monday, October 30, 2017

Just remembering! Notes for my children:

Everyone has a start and an ending.  On a gravestone there normally is a birth year and an end date, the day of death and final rest.  
Some wise person said that it's what you fill in between, what does that dash hold, that really counts.  Look back over history, think about your favorite or not favorite persons in history and what do you know about that person?  Usually, you remember their accomplishments that somehow affected human history.  Some did great positive things and others, well, not so positive things.  But, most are remembered for their effect and influence on human society.

I will not be one of those, nor do I claim or regret such a condition.  Look up yourself on "google" and see what you find.  Me... well, nada.  And, that's ok, really good in fact.  Wouldn't want to be known for something awful, and I certainly did not focus enough to do or accomplish anything phenomenal. 

So, in view of the fact that I am "nothing" and have accomplished really nothing of any significance except to live a decent life, so that I will have had my say on myself,  I'm going to write a mini-bio for the record with some personal thoughts and other musings as we go along.

I doubt there are many people who remember their births and infant years.  Oh, I know, there are the regressors and such groups who "claim" to be able to regress and go back, even to past lives.  But, overall, there are not that many.  What was your earliest memory?  What do you think were your first memories? 

For me, it was the memory of Appa coming into a dark place with some blood soup.  I remember eating it with great delight and satisfaction.  The taste is still on my tongue and I crave that taste often.  
The next memory is traveling with Appa on a train, with lots and lots of people.  It was crowded, chaotic, noisy, scary.  I hold to the memory of Appa holding me next to his chest and our making our way through the throngs.  Were we evacuating, escaping, running from the war?  I don't know.  I was torn between being warmed by Appa and being scared of the crowds and noise.  
Next memory is stopping by some place and meeting with some people.  After that, there was a strange woman with us as we traveled on the trains.
We arrived at a large city and I remember us taking a three-wheeled vehicle to our new home.  



The home was tiny for the three of us.  Just one room that I remember.  It was on a crowded hill.  From the hill, you could see the harbor and the streets of the city.  This city was Pusan, now Busan.  
Our home was situated on a small street along with many, many other small, tiny houses.  There was no bathroom or running water.  Outside the door was a small tree.  If you went out on the street and went downhill you come to a big road.  Near the road was a cemetery where we children used to play.  I fell once while playing in the cemetery and cut my face between my eyes and I still have a small scar there after all these years.  
If you went up the hill on the street by the house you came to the communal outhouse.  There was also some kind of temple nearby because you could hear the bell toll every now and then.  

After a bit of time, my stepmother gave birth to a baby girl.  Overall, my stepmother treated me decently until the baby girl was born.  Then she began to be mean and more strict with me.  A few years passed because I remember my step sister now walking and I had to watch over her.  We were too poor and I didn't go to a school of any kind.  I had to babysit her a lot.  
Now and then I would explore my neighborhood.  My curiosity kept me going further and further from my house.  I always found my way back home.  I even got to the Pusan train station one day.  On the map, that is quite a distance for a little boy of 5 or 6. 

One day I was babysitting my sister and she was dawdling so I pinched her hard.  She cried and told her mother when we got home.  Boy, did I get a beating!  When my Appa came home, for the first time I remember, he too beat me for hurting my sister.  
The next day I took off to see the city, angry and frustrated at my Appa.  He had never before hit me.  
I found my way to the train station.  I sneaked on board a train because other kids told me that you could find money and food on the floor of the train. Well, they were right!  I found some small money and lots of food on the train.  These were left over "bento" boxes and other snacks that I could grab before the adjumas would come to clean the trains.  
I ate as much as I wanted.  The train was warm and I fell asleep under one of the seats.




I woke up and didn't know where I was.  I was totally scared.  I cried for help, but there were too many of us lost children.  So many orphans and abandoned children then!
I remember that night in the small train station, scared, hungry, and lonely.  Next day I sneaked onto another train, not knowing the rules or destinations.  I was thinking that it might take me home.  
Instead, it ended up taking me north to Seoul.  Fortunately, I had found food and drinks on the train.  But, here I was, alone in Seoul, at the train station, totally lost and unable to find my way back home.  No one was interested in helping me.  Just too many children running about, too many leftover children who were either true orphans or had been abandoned by families who could no longer take care of them.
I learned to survive in the train station.  I learned to beg, steal, to run from the police and others.  I was one of the street children, lost and just barely surviving.  

There were little gangs of kids.  They were usually led by older kids, teenagers, who would organize the activities and collectively distribute food.  I was grabbed and inducted into one of them.  My "Hyun", an older brother, put out four cigarettes on my head.  I still have the scars.  This was to initiate me into the gang and also to mark me as "His" property.  It was not a pleasant time.  I had to steal or beg or get my quota of either food or money each day.  If I did, I got to eat.  If I didn't, then I was beaten and did not eat for the day. 
If I tried to sneak in a meal by myself and was found out, I was ruthlessly beaten.  And, worst of all, if I tried to leave the group, to run away, I was beaten to a pulp.  One time I almost made it to the train but was caught.  The older boys beat me senseless, cut my underarms, and threw me onto a dump to die!  Somehow, someway, I survived the beating and torture and came to.  Then I made it to a train and got on.

This train continued my journey north.  I came to a small town, which turned out to be Dong Du Chong, home of Camp Casey and the 7th Infantry Division of the U. S. Army.  



It was winter, I was cold since I barely had any clothes on, and hungry beyond hungry.  I went around the small village begging for food, but no one answered or helped.  I finally found my way back to the train tracks and climbed into a boxcar which kept me out of the wind but offered no warmth.  In a corner, there was a piece of cardboard.  I used that for a blanket and lied down on the floor.  
I began to dream of my Appa picking me up and hugging me.  I felt finally warm and not hungry.  

When I awoke, I was warm, under something that was heavy but nice, bright lights shining, and so, without really knowing anything about heaven, I was in heaven!  Some strange looking peoples came and started talking to me in a language that I did not understand.  But, they brought me FOOD!  Delicious, warm, delicious, totally delectable food.  And, then seconds!  They offered a drink which I never had had but was delicious - milk!  And, so I was saved!

After I recovered, the soldier who had found me in the boxcar, Corporal Hernandez, came and took me to his company area.  I became the company mascot, "Charlie" was my name, and I was as happy as any 8-9-year-old boy could be.  I was not alone!  There were many, many other "mascots" in Camp Casey.  I had my own uniform, boots, and a small cot to sleep in.  Life was good!  We were not sent to any schools, so I didn't know how to read or write or any other skills.  I was just a wild child in a wild environment.  



Overall, life was good.  
But, as always, things were about to change.



Thursday, July 6, 2017

TWINKIE

This is a re-post from my other blog
https://amakore.wordpress.com/
which deals with my research and thoughts on Adoption.

"The biggest question I’ve had to answer in my life has been “am I Korean or am I American”?
The pursuit for IDENTITY is one of the big life challenges for most.  The big question “Who am I?” requires a lifetime for most people to answer.
This is a question that begs a question: What is an “I”?  From here we get into a whole spectrum of thinking from A to Z.  Without beginning a reprint of the Encyclopedia or Wikipedia, we have to come to accept or at least agree to certain constructs.
The “I” represents the various forms of I-dentification, of establishing a presence in the three planes of accepted existence – body, mind, and spirit.  The three aspects encompass the totality of human existence with a nod to some others who claim the extrasensory aspects of human knowledge.
Pascal stated, “cogito ergo sum”.    “I think, therefore, I am”.  There are many others who debate and philosophize on this question, but that is not my intent here to be a summary of the philosophies.  Instead, I just state that we ARE, we EXIST on several levels, and therefore, we LIVE on several levels and planes.
Distilling these thoughts and feelings and senses into a sum and whole results in a person who senses, reacts, thinks, believes, accepts a set or sets of values, cogitates on these factors, and ultimately speaks and acts according to their synthesis.
Then, “Am I an American or am I a Korean?” becomes a much broader question.  My difficulty stems from the fact that I obviously look like a Korean, not a European descendant who looks “American”.  This physicality is the key.  Regardless of how much I may believe, act, and speak, think and behave American, most people in nearly every part of this great land will still look at me and ask “Where are you from?”, meaning, you are not from “here” and you look very different.
A great summary of where I am now is the “Twinkie”  or “Banana” – yellow on the outside, white on the inside.  Twinkies are sweet, filled with good tasting filling, a banana is a wonderful fruit that has become a vital part of the world culture.  Similarly, Asians can and do add to the great mix that is now all part of “Globalization”.  In more cosmopolitan areas where there has been a lot of mixing and stirring of races, ethnicities, and cultures there is rarely a dust up or clash over race or ethnicity.  Places such as New York, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, and a few more where there has been this integration and assimilation race and ethnicity is not a big, overt barrier.  The Twinkies have become accepted and assimilated.  Recently the Pew Research Center published  a clear statement of the rise of the Asian minority:
You’ll find some very interesting facts and statistics in this report.
In summary, for today’s thoughts, is that I am a Twinkie that floats between two worlds – Americans and Koreans.  I am not 100% in either camp neither by acceptance or choice.  And, now, after nearly 60 years of struggle, challenges, and hardships, it’s OK!  I am at peace being an “AmaKore” – an American/Korean!"

July 6, 2017

What a neat time we live in today.  All the various factors of mankind and humankind are in such turmoil, chaos, change, and uproar.  In nearly every area of interest to anyone there is something for everyone.  
Politics - the ultimate war game.  
Winners prosper, losers wither.  Around the world there seems to be a see-saw battle between the left and right with no real clear victors anywhere.  
There is a very strong vertical battle too.  This is the battle of the mind through religion, theologies, and spiritualities.  Many of the current conflicts, chaos, and changes are due to the battle of the theologies and religions.  Religious Imperialism has replaced politics and economics for the right to cause human misery.  How ironic that the solution to human suffering is causing the most suffering and displacement of refugees.

Sports is such a huge part of life.  
The ultimate entertainment and titillation and voyeuristic pastime.  Millions of people living vicariously through their sports teams and idols.  Sports is a replacement for direct human conflicts and wars because, well, wars are so costly and damaging.  People seem to be able to get much of the same sense of vicarious "winning" adrenaline rush from their sports teams and individual sports heroes and heroines.  

Entertainment and Lifestyles
Films, TV, music, Broadway and stage, dance, opera, bands and groups and individuals - it all seems to be melting toward so much commonality despite the incredible varieties of genres and forms. Celebrities in all forms - from Royalties who are followed like movie stars, movie and music and media stars who are treated as royalty, and self made ones who may get their "15 minutes of fame" all feed into the FAME model of achievements.  

Technology /Computers/Information/Data
New developments in chips and processors, new quantum computing and mega computers merging into super computers.  All seem to be combining to replicate the human brain, ultimately leading to Artificial Intelligence AI and Artificial Sentient Awareness and Being.  
Could there be Cybernet and Cyberdyne, could we see "Robots of Dawn", could this be the next great step in freeing humans from drudgery and labor or a step toward the enslavement of all of humankind.  The next few decades will definitely show a pattern and path.  Great thinkers like Stephen Hawking and many, many more are sounding the warning bell on unrestricted and unmanaged technology explosion.  

Technology in Life Sciences, particularly DNA and Bioscience.
These could lead to solutions and answers to humanity's ills and problems, or, unleash a Pandora's Box of human affliction and subjugation.  Again full of promise and potential problems.  We could see the "perfect" humans very soon - with superior intelligences, physical capacities and capabilities, without any genetic limitations as we know them today.  But, will that be a good thing?

Financial/Money 
- the ultimate human invention, the great quantifier and identifier of human greed, avarice, and caste based on accumulation and hoarding.  Again Money can be our liberator or our master enslaver.  The present dichotomy of have/have nots, rich and poor, wealth and money inequalities... all point to greater human stratification.  There could even be a split in the species into sub species with work and capacity delineation, a "colonization" effect of workers and rulers, poor and affluent as there were in the past, but with much greater structures, limitations and bondage.

There are many alternatives and possibilities.  
The left/socialist/communist/egalitarians see a world of equals and unity.  
The Right sees a diversification and vertical categorization, a "Darwinian" view of Life.  Survival of the "fittest and luckiest".

Humanity swings from the the extremes and thus the impetus and energy for changes, adaptations and evolution.  
Each one of us no matter where or whom we are born to come into this life with the programming and natural pre-dispositions in our DNA that combine with our home and cultural programmings.  What we believe, value, hold true and fight for and willing to die for are all inside our brains.  

In the end, all reality is in our heads, in that magic 3 pounds of minerals and elements, water and viscous fluids.  What we perceive, hold true, accept as absolute values, believe and follow and act on - all come from the brain's billions and billions of neurons acting together to form our reality.  

What is your reality?  
What do you believe?  
What do you value?  
There are so many ways to measure, quantify and classify the myriad variables that form you as a being.  Are you liberal, conservative, libertarian, egalitarian, existentialist, realist, dreamer, imaginer, hoper, doer, thinker, lover, fighter, negotiator, decider, handler, keeper, giver, sharer, hoarder, helper, taker, whatever you er, you are you and you are unique.  Except that most likely there are at least several thousand person just like you.  

Where does all this come from and who decides where we are to go?  
I propose that it's all up to - YOU!  

Monday, April 18, 2016

April 18 2016

Good morning,
It's a Monday morning.  A new start and a new adventure.  For the first time in nearly 60 years I have no more "have to" do lists, work, or other requirements. 
I am retired!!!
Retired from the demands and stresses of a "job".  Retired from the many ridiculous situations and circumstances, the unfairnesses of life, the prejudice of employers and bosses, the discrimination of societies and cultures.  
I am finally FREE!  
Free to do, think, say, write, worship, not worship, seek and accept, feel and be happy, ultimately be myself in any given moment.

Oh man it's been a long, often painful and sometimes devastating journey.  In between there have been moments of happiness and joy, of exhilaration and incandescent bursts of total being, and moments of great humility and humiliation.

Now, onward and to infinity and beyond!

Saturday, April 4, 2015

When?

Is it racial or cultural?  
Is it prejudice or discrimination?
Is it hate or fear?
Is it just bad behavior or ignorance?

Why does it have to be politically correct?
What the heck is politically correct?
Who says so?
What is the difference between being sensitive and just plain truthful?

There seems to be a lot of hate, fear, prejudice, outright discrimination, and just bad behavior these days.  It isn't just stupid people doing stupid things, it is all kinds of people at all levels doing dumb, stupid and just plain evil and hurtful things.  

Really, why can't we just get along?  
What's wrong with that?
What ever happened to the basic rules of human decency?  Respect, kindness, courtesy, tolerance, self control, responsibility, duty, honor, self respect, and even a little bit of love?

Are we progressing or regressing?  
Are we evolving or devolving? 
Are we adapting or extincting?

So much of today's strifes and major issues such as wars and conflicts seem to result from the great differences in beliefs and values and truths.  
When did we have to be right?  When did there have to be just one truth? When did we humans stop being human?



Wednesday, April 1, 2015

"May I help you" reads like a nice phrase, but what if the same gentle phrase is said in a tone that says "what the f&*k are you doing here?"  Then what do you say?  
What if this is the third time this same person says it the same way to you?  For no other apparent reason than what seems to be the fact that she can't stand the sight of you, that you are anathema and the most logical conclusion is that she is a damn racist?
What do you say to that?